There are plenty of differences between Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings, but one specific difference does a good job of representing the whole of them: In Lord of the Rings, we had no idea which characters had boned, and in Game of Thrones, we do. J.R.R. Tolkien preferred to keep his action almost entirely above the belt, while George R.R. Martin has no qualms about delving into the details of his characters’ various earthly appetites. Combine that with a bevy of eunuchs and monastic knightly orders, and somehow, without ever really asking for it, we’ve obtained fairly comprehensive knowledge of who has banged and who hasn’t.
With Arya Stark going all 1 Corinthians 15:32 over Gendry in Sunday’s episode — proof, I guess, that the character is 18? — let’s take a moment to do a rundown of the last remaining V-cards in Westeros.
At an age when many people start to explore their sexuality, Bran instead explored the history of the entire universe and was left without fleshly desires. Now his only turn-on is sustained, uncomfortable eye contact.
Brienne of Tarth
Before the War of the Five Kings, Brienne was the Stormlands’s most eligible bachelorette, but she had better things to do than find a man (and her suitors were mostly terrible, anyway). Now the field has been winnowed down to two contestants, Jaime L. and Tormund. We’re skipping the hometown dates and fantasy suites, and the coming episodes should reveal who earns the final rose. Let’s do the damn thing!
Joined the Night’s Watch at age 15. Life before then is a mystery, but it seems to have been pretty miserable. Gives off a slight incel vibe.
Winterfell’s maester has apparently been on the show since season five, but you’d be forgiven for forgetting him, since he spends the majority of his screentime handing scrolls to more important characters. Maesters don’t have to swear a vow of chastity, but come on.
They are children.
Drogon and Rhaegal
I am currently unclear on how dragons have sex.
No woman will ever live up to his mother.
Is an ice-demon.
Sandor ‘The Hound’ Clegane
The Hound is the rare character to never get a sex scene, and through all these years he’s shown no serious interest in sex or romance. Considering his strange fascination with Sansa in season two, I’d say his childhood trauma has left him unable to have a functioning adult relationship with a woman.
Beric had a fiancée in his old life, but repeated resurrections have left him unable to remember her face. Does this make it more or less likely they had sex before marriage? Consult your friends.
I don’t think Qyburn is interested in anything that you or I would recognize as sex.
YOU’D THINK SO, BUT NO
For a man who talks so much about his sex life, we’ve seen a distinct lack of actual girlfriends. But a reader points out we met his daughters at Hardhome.
Thrones’ most famous eunuch revealed in season three that he performed sex work to survive after his castration.
Did you see his hookup with Missandei in season seven? It counts.
[This post was originally posted on Vulture]